Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Niagara Falls, NY

I once helped a man from a burning building, I was arrested cause he was a firefighter. I once tried to do a vigilante style prostitution sting, I was arrested for soliciting an undercover cop. I once told a judge that I was a spy and it was a matter of national security to let me go. Then I became a prison spy.

When life gives you lemons make lemonade. But don't make lemonade if all you have is lemons. It takes sugar and water too. There is no I in team. there is however an M and an E. I remember I once ran across a beautiful woman standing in the road. What a shame.

If three's a crowd you need a bigger apartment. When giving advice always start with, "The way you're doing it is wrong. You fuck up!" This ensures you have their attention. Life comes at you fast, take lots of crystal meth in order to keep up.

Sometimes in life you have good intentions that go wrong. Like the time I wore a birthday suit to a birthday party. Have you ever complimented a guy on his penis size at the urinal, turns out it doesn't come across as a compliment at all. For every positive action there is a negative reaction. Like the time I brought my cat to the tiger cage at the zoo so he could learn about his ancestry.

When offering to pay for a meal say, "I got this you cheap fuckers." It'll save you hundreds on future dinner invites. Always load your gun before cleaning, that way the bullets are clean, too.

There's only a small difference between buzzed and drunk, make sure you're good and drunk. Don't eat the stuff they put inside glow sticks to see if your poop is glowie. Always wear a condom during bestiality.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch is an ad slogan for poultry abortionists. On sunny days it's acceptable to go naked within a short distance of your home. Don't make funnel cake with the same funnel you change your oil with.

When trying on clothes in a department store do 100 jumping jacks in them to make sure they breathe well when sweaty. When counting things in public do it loudly so people know what you're up to.

Call six strangers everyday and tell them their spouse has been killed in a freak accident. They will be so relieved to find out they're still alive you'll probably make a friend for life.

When buying produce take the time to squeeze every piece of produce in the store, this way you'll never miss a good one. When at the doctor tell them you have ED and challenge them to see for themselves.

No comments:

Post a Comment